Since June I've had 134 drives and covered 1011 miles to date. They vary from a drive to the nursery and back of little under a mile to trips around Lanarkshire covering up to 40 miles. Not bad for someone who for the three and a half years or so before it couldn't even get in a car. BUT...I feel nothing. I feel no more confident and in fact am waiting for it all to crumble again.
On Wednesday we went for a drive during the day. One girl was at school and the other was up at her grandparents 60 mile away so it was me and the boy with my wife driving. We drove through another place nearby and I was surprised to find the localcastle there- not where I thought. Or maybe it as as there are no clear boundaries but regardless we found it. I'd wanted to go there for a while but it looked too far on the map. Yet here we were and had not planned it. It wasn't far at all. The only problem though was that it was nearing time to pick up my daughter from the school- something I have still not attempted but on the 'To do' list. So we had no time to walk down and explore. Instead I got out and took a few photographs. But now that it is so near at hand we will go there soon for a nose around.
When I went to get back in the car my wife suggested I drive back. No chance. I wouldn't even drive this when I was well never mind now in the day time. Already I was feeling anxious being far from home which never leaves. And at this point I had no inkling that I had driven in over 6 weeks. She persisted though and this is where I usually dig in my heels but this time I didn't. Suddenly I thought it wasn't that big a deal. So I got in and drove home. It wasn't too bad. The tension in my body was high as I couldn't relax and I did spend most of the time thought fighting but it wasn't as bad as some drives I've had in the past. As it was a country road I had to keep my whits about me anyway as it was all twists and turns.
So it can be done and on this occasion I did actually need a kick up the backside to get me going. My plan is now not to wait for that little push but to start looking to take that initiative myself. There are times when you just can't do it but as I keep saying to myself there are times when it is possible. These are the times I must recognise for myself and make the most of. I have some plans for next week which involve walks as well as driving. I also want to read up on the castle before I go so I know what I am looking at rather than wandering about a ruin. The driving seems to be taking care of itself. As I said before its the staying out I must work on. The castle could present that opportunity and hopefully that will come next week.
