One day you wake up and find you are past the half way stage, maybe well past it. But you are thankful to have existed for as long when many others haven't regardless of how agitated and restless that existence has been/is. And you wake to a world that makes no sense. When I was young I saw lots of narky old people asked myself what irked them so much. The world they lived in made little sense to the world they had lived in. I get that now. Maybe more than ever to be honest for different reasons. When I was young the elders had come through a world war and had bonded in the face of an enemy and were possibly hurting from the lack of respect afforded them in saving our futures. Today its a different source of irritation.
When I was young I have a memory of being in my grandparents flat in Glasgow where we used to go often from my home in a new town. I have no memories of the journeys which much had been by bus as my parents didn't own a car and there was no train connection at that point. My parents were young, 20 years older than me. I remember being in the scullery (kitchen) with a Scotland football strip (kit) that was in a plastic package and I assume in was very late 1970s to early 80s as I think it was more like they would have worn in Argentina in 1978 than the one they wore to Spain in 1982. In fact for all I know it could even have been before 1978. I don't remember that World Cup. I've seen it in highlights but I don't remember it. I would have been 6 so its no surprise. I do, strangely, remember the 1974 World Cup more in general only because I remember clearly my dad renting the video from Radio Rentals up our local shopping centre- and years later I remember watching live on a tv Brazil v Argentina when Zico faced Maradona but cannot remember which year that was or whether it was still the same company that owned the shop. Weird the things you remember in space if not time. Anyway the 1974 World Cup was famous in Scotland because our national team were the only unbeaten team in the whole competition despite not getting past the first round. Story of our lives. Punching the chest at effort on the plane home before the competition has gotten under way.
I am off on a tangent. It was a memory. In the scullery my gran was had the top and placed the badge over the heart area and was ironing it on. I had lots of football strips when I was younger and that is the only time I can remember a badge being ironed on. It was probably the way to go. I had plenty where the badge or crest peeled off meaning it would have to be binned. Where I was going with this though was that it was a country united. It was a time of Home Nations when Scotland, England, Wales and Northern Ireland played each other for bragging rights. There were idiots for sure but my memory of it was good banter. I used to go down to Yarmouth and Lowestoft and argue with my big cousin over it. They were good times. Even now, or in past years at least, he will wind me up when Scotland are missing from a major competition. Its good fun. Its what you do.
That was a country united. Whatever way you fall Scotland is a country so divided I doubt it will ever be unified again. I remember reading books on 1940s Germany and the distrust and the fear it would never be bridged again and not understanding it. Spain too during the years while Franco lived. There are more of these obviously because its what happens when there is a divide. And I feel I am in that just now and its just one of many other things in this modern age I cannot comply with and which makes me angry. One party smashed a divide in this country a decade ago. I am getting too tired and old to argue about it. That is how I see it so that is how I say it. And it will never me resolved in my life time. Right now though they are more concerned with Palestine than the people living on the street during this cold snap or the drugs death eclipsing all of Europe or the poor school grades or the pot holes or dim street lights in dark parks or any number of things. Here- not there! It makes me so angry but I don't want to get too deep into it or I will be here all day.
I have issues with so much. Pronouns- that is all I will say. I have a love of genealogy. I have hung about the censuses online from 1841 (though I think, from memory, the first was 1801 but not online) and there is a column that is used as frequently as name and address without question because its based on that age old thing called biology. That is just a personal opinion and something I can't change on because I cannot understand how by using your voice you can change that by calling it identification. Surely if you identify as being something then you have to physically become that and on that score I can understand. But I cannot refer to someone in the plural or by something they are clearly not just because I will be criticised for not doing so. Its maybe an age thing but I am just so thankful I did not having to live my younger life through this.
Anyway I am going down rabbit holes here that I should not be going down just now. I just want to say the I have been away from blogging for a while and now come back to it after 3 or 4 years away but find the world has changed in a massive way. I don't feel part of it any more. Not here with what is going on around and not even at home. I feel totally iscolated to be honest but I have accepted that and I am OK with that. Yet still I feel a need to post. I think the main reason is I have regressed a lot. I should really explain...
I have lived with panic disorder and agoraphobia since 2006 or thereabouts. Its still there. Today its as bad as it has ever been. For a long period I didn't think it would ever change but it did and I pushed out and I managed to go places I had not been for years. I managed to mean up with family and twice I met up with friends that I never thought I would ever see again. I went up north on holidays and managed to got an hour up the road to stay at the inlaws house. They were good times. The highlight aside from family holidays that I never thought I would ever see again was a BBQ in my inlaws garden with her parents, her sisters with their partners, all the kids' cousins and some other family too that were up for a big concert at Scone Palace. It was great. I can also include in that 3 time going for a meal with my wife for our anniversary. Little things. Going for a pint on my own here, there and everywhere. Freedom. But where I had a need to blog when my problems were bad I felt less of a need when things were going well. That is natural and perfectly OK.
IT turned though. I was doing well and thinking about how I could get back to work when once again, for the 3rd time, the DWP decided to stop my money and I had to appeal. Because of one thing and another that process took 9 months. I want that long with no money coming in and had massive credit card repayments we could barely cover. I'm not going to linger on it as its a past event but that Christmas I need to pay £240 for a credit card repayment, had no Christmas presents for the kids, had £0 in my account and wife had £22 in her account. For the months leading up to that point I was waking in the small hours soaked in cold sweat and feeling consumed by dread. It was very dark. But its a past event. In truth there was a point where I could have gone one of two ways and the way I went was to go numb to it all. It is past. Cue "The Great Escape" theme tune on so many levels. It past.
The damage was done though. Physically and mentally I regressed faster and faster. That BBQ was bliss. The next time we headed up I started to panic 10 minutes from home, managed to endure it for 50 minutes more travel, walked for 8 miles on mny own when I got up there and still unable to bring the adrenaline down went into a Wetherspoons and drank 4-5 pints in 2 hours to finally find some calm. The 3rd time the panic was so much I could not go up and have never gone up again. That was 2018 I think. That same year our neighbours left and kindly gave up a holiday up north but when the time came agoraphobia was so bad I could not travel the 35 minute to the West coast to enjoy it for a week. We went out in the car to try to get through it and I just couldn't- I was of course very popular for that. Very quickly that year I went to not leaving town again. If that was not enough when I was shopping 5 minutes away with wife I started getting an unusually new combination of panic and nausea that had me leaving frequently and finally not going at all so with had to do shopping on her own- something she is still doing.
Anyway, a bit must for a first post. I still have panic disorder and agoraphobia and once more looking to get on top of it like I did before. My financial woes are sorted so I cannot be sucker punched by that again. I should say after 9 months I won my appeal AGAIN! I want to also say at that time getting no money I was going to the job centre every week trying to push myself into work but the debt problem weighed so much that I ended giving that up too but hopefully proved that I am not doing this to be lazy or get an easy life. I do think though I was not helped by not blogging about it. Blogging is a good way to just get it out of the head and see things are not always as bad as you think. I will sign off with that. I have removed all my previous posts as they irrelevant now really. What went before does not matter. All that matters is what lies ahead. That is what I hope to blog from here on.
This is day one of a new restart. I'm not labelling that way but I did want to suggest this is a new start to a new period of my life. That is how it feels. Life is different now. I feel on the periphery of it and don't think I will ever come back from that. Its a life I don't understand now and feel well apart of but also have to say I have no desire to be part of this circus. I cannot change to be something I don't believe in and which makes no sense to me but that is just me. But its not just that. I said my highlight was that BBQ. It was such a good happy day in the sun. It brings nothing but joy when I think of it and happiness. I took lots of photos but I moved them on top my laptop and it fell apart so I have no access to them at the moment. Its all changed. Since that day my wife's mum passed away and a couple of years later her dad passed away and at the end of last year the house was sold. Its all gone. That day still exists up there in my head as that was the last time I was there. So much has passed but it has passed me by. So today is day one because I feel I am starting over.
